


I think, therefore I am. But I don't want to be.

by ButTheMarauders



Category: Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare, The Mortal Instruments
Genre: Breakup, Cutting, Depressed Alec, M/M, Post CoLS, Sadness, depressed
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-29
Updated: 2015-10-29
Packaged: 2018-04-28 18:52:36
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,938
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5101838
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ButTheMarauders/pseuds/ButTheMarauders
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After the break up, Alec returns to the Institute.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I think, therefore I am. But I don't want to be.

_I don't want to see you again, Alec._ The words were like some unbearable torture, ringing through his ears eternally.  _Aku Cinta Kamu._ But if that were true, Magnus would have forgiven him, would have welcomed him into a warm embrace. But sharing that love with Magnus was just too far away now. It was impossible.

The walk to the New York Institute from the subway tunnels was long, but not long enough. Alec dreaded walking through those doors and having to explain his return to the Institute to his parents. Robert would be particularly gleefull. He'd wanted them to break up. And Maryse, Maryse had always warned her son that the warlock would break his heart. And now he had. But, Alec thought, that wasn't fair. He has broken his own heart because he had caused the break up. He'd betrayed Magnus. It was all his fault. The key felt wrong in his hand. It felt hard and cold and sharp, where as the key to Magnus's apartment had been warm and comfortable. But that key was sitting on the table in Brooklyn. Taking a large breath, Alec walked in to the New York Institute. He hoped that since it was late, everyone would be asleep. No one hurried to the doors, expect for Church, of course. The blue Persian hissed at him, but Alec just stared. The cat met his gaze, before prowling off. He missed Chairman Meow. Quickly, Alec ran up the stairs to his old bedroom, and slammed the door shut. He silently cursed himself. He's probably woken everyone up now. The mirror mocked him from across the room. Photos were strewn about everywhere. Tucked in the mirror edges, in frames lying about the desk, tacked onto the walls. Alec stared at them, before tearing them all down. He heaved a box from under the bed and stuffed the pictures inside. His eye caught one as he grabbed it. It was him and Magnus in Paris, the so-called city of love. They were on the Eiffel tower, and Magnus had snuck up behind Alec, kissing him. A single tear smeared the photograph, and he wiped it away with a pale, scarred finger. Cramming the box under the bed again, Alec let the tears fall. How could he be so stupid? How could he have let that happen? A thumbtack that had been holding up a picture rolled off of the desk, landing at his feet. Slowly, cautiously, Alec picked up. He let the sharp point pierce the skin on his forearm, watched the blood trickle from the wound. Then he found himself doing it again, and again, and again. "The endorphins..." He murmured, trying to explain why the cuts just made him feel better.

There was a soft rapping on the door. Alec jumped, startled. He hurriedly stuffed the thumbtack into a drawer and hot into bed, throwing the covers over him to cover the cuts on his arms.  "Alec?" It was Isabelle. He shut his eyes, willing her to believe he was asleep. She opened the door, and he internally scowled. Couldn't she just leave him alone? "Alec, why are you back here? And don't pretend to be asleep. I heard you hurry into bed just now. You have the grace of a frog on steroids." Alec kept his eyes squeezed shut, hoping that she'd just go away. "Alec. What happened between you and Magnus?" A single tear fell from his eyes as he heard his name. "Nothing..." He mumbled, turning to face away from his sister. "This isn't nothing. Please. Talk to me." Isabelle was begging. She never begged. Alec sat up, and looked into her black eyes. He knew that his blue ones would be bloodshot from tears, but he didn't care. "NOTHING HAPPENED BETWEEN ME AND MAGNUS! OKAY?!" He yelled. He never yelled. Izzy have a shocked gasp and stepped back a little, taking in her brother's change in tone. Jace ran into the room. Great. Isabelle turned to look at him and she shook her head. She went over to him, and Alec heard them whisper, but he couldn't make out what they were saying. "Nothing happened...nothing but my own mistake..." Alec mumbled, shutting his eyes and silently begging to call asleep. He felt Isabelle and Jace sit on the bed, stroking his black hair back. "Oh, Alec..." Izzy sighed. "Let's let him sleep. We'll talk on the morning." Jace said, and Alec heard the door slam shut. The grips of exhaustion called to him. 

Alec woke up, and the memories flooded back to him. He wanted nothing more than to sink back in bed and sleep, but the idea didn't seem right anymore. He was hungry, but the idea of food and even coffee repelled him. When be caught sight of the marks on his wrist, he hurried to the shower in his ensuite. He let the water run over him, but didn't move. Instead, he slunk against the wall of the shower and cried again. He cried until his eyes were dry and itchy and he could cry no more. Alec figured he should apply an iratze, but he just didn't want to. There was a dagger in the sink in the bathroom. It was cold and recently sharpened, with beautiful patterns carved into the blade and a large blue stone set in the hilt. It had been a gift. From Magnus. He leaned out of the shower and grabbed it. The same overwhelming feeling of relief flooded through his veins as he cut into his wrists, staining the clear water scarlet. "Alec!" It was Isabelle. Panicked, Alec reached for a stele, but he's left it in his room. He grabbed for a towel and wrapped it around him, and used another to hold, covering the bleeding skin on his arms. "I'm in the shower." He replied half-heartedly. "Then get out. We need to talk." "Fine..." He muttered, and his brother and sister stormed into the room. Alec frowned as Izzy's eyes widened, and Jace took an involuntary step back. "What. Have. You. Been. Doing. To. Yourself?" Have said through gritted teeth. Confused, Alec looked down at his arms. Oh. The blood had leaked through the towel, where huge red spots were blooming.  "Er-uh-I-demon-um-" Isabelle ran foward and hugged him. "Talk to us. Please. Get dressed and talk to us." Alec nodded, bowing his head in shame. He was an idiot. He still didn't use and iratze, though. He didn't care enough to. 

 When he went downstairs to the kitchen, Jace and Clary were holding hands and talking in low voices, which was what his parabatai had limited himself to doing with the Heavenly Fire coursing through his veins. Alec blanched and looked away, envious and distraught. Jace saw this and released Clary, who had flushed slightly. "Oh- sorry, Alec. Honestly. That probably isn't what you wanted to see right now." She blathered, sinking back in her chair slightly. He just shook his head and sat down. "Food?" Isabelle asked, hopefully. "We got takeout breakfast. Clary was saying that McDonalds has good breakfast, so we've bought some." Jace added, as if that would make a difference. Alec shook his head again, and tried to fold in on himself.  "Alec, listen. Whatevers happened between you and Magnus, you shouldn't be hurting yourself over it. It's not worth it. He's not worth it." Isabelle said, reaching for her brother. Alec shrugged her off. "I'm not worth stopping. He did nothing. It's my fault, mg fault, my fault.." He whispered, staring at nothing to avoid looking at people. "Alec-" she started, trying to get something out of him. "JUST STOP IT! PLEASE JUST STOP IT! GO KISS SIMON AND GO KISS CLARY AND LEAVE ME ALONE! IT'S WHAT I DESERVE! I WANT TO BE ALONE!" Alec snapped loudly, and Clary shrivelled back in her chair. "Maybe we should go..." She began, pulling at Jace's arm. "No. No, Clary, not yet. Tell us what you did, Alec. Tell us your mistake." The three leaned closer as Alec paused, but quietly told his story. "Oh, you idiot." Izzy said, pulling him into a hug. "I know I am." Alec choked, not hugging her back. At least they didn't hate him. Not like that would stop the tears. Not like that would stop the scars.

Alec had retreated to his room. When Maryse and Robert came back, he eavesdropped from the top of the stairs as Jace and Isabelle told them that he and Magnus were no more. They didn't say why. If they did, Alec would be in serious trouble. He could have his Marks stripped. He could be exiled. But wasn't that what he deserved? He listened to see what his parents would say about the matter. "I saw this coming." Maryse said softly, her voice soaked in pity. Alec didn't want pity. He wanted Magnus. "Well, good. He can find himself a nice Shadowhunter girl now. He won't be such a failure then." Robert's words stung, and Alec went back to his bedroom to hide, a shaking ball of tears. He caught sight of himself in his mirror. He was paler than usual, and skinnier, too. There were huge dark circles under his eyes, which were faded and absent. His body had become a fragile shell of what it used to be. "I think, therefore I am." Alec quoted. "But I don't want to be." The mirror smashed as Alec threw it off of his desk. Thank Raziel the floor of his room and silencing runes. He grabbed a shards letting the blood spill from his wrists once again.

Isabelle leaned into Simon's shoulder, rambling on about Alec and how much she hated Magnus. "I get why Magnus broke up with him, but I think that if he loves Alec, he should forgive him." Simon said, and Isabelle nodded in agreement. "No matter what I did, would you forgive me?" She asked, craning her neck to look up into his dark, chocolatey eyes. "Of course, Iz" He said, pressing his lips to her forehead. She smiled, nuzzling her head against his unmoving chest.

"He doesn't need to hurt himself! I feel it when he does it! I hate it! I hate Magnus for hurting him! I hate Alec for being so lovesick!" Jace wasn't as calm as his sister, and his skin was glowing. Then, randomly, he winced. "What? What is it?" Clary gasped, rushing to her boyfriend's side. "He's done it again." Jace explained in frustration. Clary squeezed his hand. "I'll try talking to Magnus. You see Alec."

"What do you want, Clarissa? Didn't Alexander give you the message? I'm not your pet warlock." Magnus said, his voice strained and tired. He was a mess. His usually spiked hair hung past his ears, and his clothes were creased and stained. "I know. But this about Alec." "Is he okay?" Clary wondered why he cared, if he broke up with Alec. "Not really. No, he's not dying. Physically. But I think he might start trying to soon. He's been cutting, Magnus. He doesn't eat, doesn't sleep, doesn't leave his room. He's a mess. And it's kinda your fault." "My fault? Do you even know what he's done?! What he tried to do to me?!" "Of course..." She mumbled, but Clary knew she couldn't win this. "Then you shouldn't pity him. Leave." Clary looked at the door reluctantly, but walked, hearing the door slam angrily behind her.  It seemed like Alec and Magnus were lost causes. And they both blamed Alec. With a war raging, the timing couldn't be worse.

 

 

 

 


End file.
